Making Space

If I want good things to come into my life, I need to make space for them.  First, in my heart, by acknowledging I deserve good things to happen to me.  Second, in my mind: getting rid of the clutter of my fearful thoughts.  Third, in my body: to keep in great shape the vessel through which I will experience all these good things which I deserve.  Fourth, in my environment: Do I want more visits from friends? I will want a tidy house and chairs to seat them... Do I want to live a simpler life? Then I will need to simplify my environment by getting rid of possessions I do not need. Do I want to travel? Then I should make my luggage easily available.  

I will set myself up to be ready for all that I want and the opportunities to have these things will present themselves.  I'm not trying to convince myself of this, I know that this is how it works.  This is how I flourished in my challenging times of leaving my last relationship.  I cleared everything negative out of my life and focused on getting free and healthy and I did. 

It's time to do that again.

Whenever I lose sight of this, Life leads me back around to people and places who remind me that anything is possible.

Thank you Life.

Now to get back to the practical work:  Cleaning out the clutter in my room and storage to make space for a simpler life and easier travel.  

Sore Fingers, Happy Heart.

Last night I picked up my guitar and I played both blissfully and clumsily.  I remembered riffs from 13 years ago, and the strange half chords I would make up to get certain sounds.  I have not picked up "the lady" as was my term of endearment for it, more than 6 times in the last 10 years.  It felt amazing. I almost started to cry because I honestly thought I would never regain full use of my hands  after my illness, in which they were weak and responded in delayed ways.

Then I sang, we sang together, the lady and I.  I began writing a song.  A song all by myself.  I did not need a co-writer and a voice inside me said, "pay attention to this... "

I put it out there I wanted to be musical and create again, I found people to do this with and they found me.  Though I have to travel 45 minutes south to get to these jam sessions, they have been pivotal in my self confidence and a source of inspiration.  I am truly grateful to be welcomed into such an open and supportive space.

My life doesn't feel "busy" anymore.  When the things I am doing and the people I am surrounded by give me a sense of fulfillment, I feel like my life expands to create space for it.  I feel like it is effortless.

I am truly grateful to my new friends who have welcomed me into their musical space with no judgement. I don't think they truly understand the positive impact it has had on my life.  

I'm Back

Last night I prayed, I prayed to be able to feel compassion again.  I sobbed and I prayed.

It takes courage and vulnerability to be compassionate.  I had built a tight wall around my heart, and began to only see others' negative feelings as warning signals, with only two choices: fix it or hide. I asked yesterday for help finding my compassion again, and I found it.  Today was such a great day with my kids, even though we were sick and tired, we did it!  We were a loving team, supportive when one of us was lagging, asking again patiently when someone had forgotten.  I didn't feel anxious or impatient with them.   I honestly could see their struggles and not take on their emotions.

I didn't realize how self-protective I had become, I just felt guilty at my lack of patience. I was going through the motions of what compassion looks like, but I wasn't really feeling it.  This opens my eyes quite a bit to the struggles of others who grew up self-protecting.  Unable to see another's negative emotions as anything other than warning signals, it took me nearly a year to get back my compassion after only 5 years of an unhealthy relationship.  Being raised in an emotionally unhealthy environment... Who knows how deep that scarring would go.

I really felt lost without it.  I felt like I was adrift in shifting emotions, grasping for this concept that once guided me entirely.  I understood it intellectually, but I just couldn't get at it.  I knew I should be compassionate, and that it was a good feeling, not this hollow guilt that arose after I snapped at my friend, son or daughter.

Once again right before a huge step forward in healing, I felt horrible, insecure and I couldn't even base it on my hormones.

I'm really looking forward to becoming my old self again, or at least that part of my old self.