Friday, October 28, 2016

Warmth

Snow has blanketed everything.  There's an excitement in my chest, there's an anxiety as well.  I feel like I have so much to make up for.  Last year our Solstice was a success, we were sponsored by another family through the food bank and under the tree looked as full as it did before I was a lone parent.  Our house was bustling with family and friends coming in and out. However there was a bumpy few weeks ahead of time where some serious healing needed to be done around past holidays. Jack shared with me his heartbreaking experience of how his father told him there was no Santa.

I know that taking on the responsibility of another's feelings is not only damaging, it's futile.  It makes it hard for them to express their feelings around you.  So I'm not going to go out of my way to make this the best Solstice ever.  I'm simply going to love them.  I'm going to love my friends, my family. I'm not giving a lot of gifts, but I will give them the gift of peace and safety.  I'm going to prepare an environment of warmth and comfort by emanating those things from myself.  I will love them by loving myself.  I will let them see what a gift a loving community is. Also there will be food because food=love and I love food.

Over the last year the most beautiful group of people have come into our lives.  My friendships have deepened and family reunited.  I finally feel worthy of the amazing people in my life. Bless you all and see you at Solstice!

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Fear Dressed In Wisdom's Clothing

I have this friend, we meet for coffee and talk for hours.  I always always leave those conversations with massive lessons.  This one was huge.  I wrote a blog post months ago about being a lone parent. I was very much in the mindframe of never wanting a romantic partner involved with my children. I thought this stance was practical and pragmatic....Funny, how we can dress fear in a costume we call wisdom.

I was scared, angry and devoid of hope.  I'd rather go without the warm feelings of sharing my family with someone I care about romantically then risk letting someone in who could hurt them.  I never thought of how fucking selfish it would be to not let this person be involved in such a huge part of my life.  To expect them to forgo the hope of feeling like a family with me, to keep them at a distance and to only share the small part of me that exists between bedtimes, wake times and mommy days.  I didn't realize that this is only a partial relationship, a stepping stone with nowhere further for my partner to step.  Even the word "partner" can't apply.  I couldn't see that.  I couldn't see a future with anything beyond a boyfriend/girlfriend in it and with that, I couldn't see the true validity of their concerns for the future.  I simply didn't see my children as a factor in my relationships, because I didn't want the worlds to mix.  Yeah, they may run into each other occasionally, but no plans together, no dinners or outings.  My children were MINE and my ex's, no one else need be involved.

I'm still not looking for a co-parent, but I'm no longer closed to the idea of someone I care about becoming involved with my children (slowly) after a substantial amount of time seeing each other. I can see now how this mindframe held me back in many ways.  Here I am, nearly six months from a point at which I thought I was ready for a relationship, realizing how much I wasn't.  I feel like I'm ready for one now... We'll see if the woman I am in 6 months agrees.